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Dear Fruitman... - The Atari Times

Dear Fruitman...

Wanted: Column Author
by Fruitman

August 24, 2001
Hey Fruit...

Get a real job!


Dear Les,

Thank you for that insightful and wordy, advice! While it is usually my own wonderfully excellent self giving out the advice, I don't mind being handed some now and again.

Yes, this job pays very little. In fact, I do it all for free. I am completely under appreciated in my time. I labor at this thankless position trying to make the best of it, but I just never get the recognition I deserve. Yet I stay here in the dungeon toiling away for others' amusement doling out gaming advice like some high school lunch lady who just added some special sauce to the Sloppy Joes. Why, you ask? Why would someone of my obvious stature and importance continue to do the work of monkeys for absolutely no pay?

Let me explain to you, in terms you can understand, what would happen should I stop writing this column and "get a real job" as you so eloquently put it. If I moved on to other projects, bridges would collapse, stocks would plunge, democracy would be destroyed, and the world would crumble into oblivion. Do you realize what chaos the world would be in, should I stop writing this column? I don't do this for money! I could easily get paid millions at the drop of a hat and could be sipping champagne in a bubbly hot tub surrounded in a tropical paradise by gorgeous half-naked bikini models if I so desired. But yet, I make the ultimate sacrifice for the sake of civilization.

Don't you see what a noble thing I do for humanity by staying at this worthless job helping ungrateful video gamers who have probably seen more flesh in a Victoria's Secret catalog than in real life? Yes, I do it for the pimply kid in desperate need of advice. For if I don't help them, who will? No friends, it is my duty... No, OBLIGATION to continue writing this column on it's rather infrequent basis to keep the world from utterly destroying itself.

So, I will continue to write so that all gamers, not just Atarians, can bask in the glow of my greatness. Yes, *I* will prevent the catastrophes so that you may all sit back on the couch in your renovated basement and play a game of Aircars while eating a bucket of chicken and looking at nudie magazines. I will make it possible for you to have the freedom of choosing between Double Dragon V and Checkered Flag. I will do this in the name of freedom, for my name is Fruitman! Advice man extraordinaire!!

By the way, all donations are gratefully accepted.

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